Thought I would write a little something, things have changed over past few days.
Past few days have been an utter roller coaster.
First part I would like to focus on is an interesting and quite embarrassing subject, the intensity of things have become quite something, my medical help have gradually devolved into what feels like relationship counselling which of course is my own fault as its pretty much what I have been focusing on. First of all there is a difficult subject I wish to address, which is the aspect of something relating to lust, masturbation sessions have got ridiculous which is a result of the intense lust factor that seems to have entered my mind. Seems to me almost like a spiral case where I watch more and it replays in my mind. I can barely bring myself to write about it never mind talk about it. It’s a concern up to a certain point in my opinion as everything is becoming a whole new of intense.
I have done a great deal of positive things, I got the job as class rep, I also submitted and entry to become part of a mentoring scheme which is looking to get me a job, also joined the UWS computing society. So a busy week, a positive is that my ability to sleep has improved, which frankly I am delighted with. I have been working towards trying to improve my social ability by putting my phone away, surprisingly difficult and I have been weak in this attempting to do so.
Some more positive things happened, I got feedback I think it was Saturday where I gained a place on a magazine, I hated the piece that I wrote but it was unbelievably exciting.
So overall life is improving up to a certain point. Then came Friday, I had got myself into a position where I screwed up my money so at a certain point I have 30 pounds to my name, at the time I have to wait three weeks for additional funding to arrive. The university are able to help me so I wont have to wait that long, my parents came through and delivered a significant amount of food which will tide me over until the time comes, which was really nice as it was a reminder that my parents are there to help.
Now, this is where the problem lies, I was really happy to see them, until I showed the exciting magazine entry, my dad genuinely made an effort to take a look at it, day well done and generally be happy for me which was great. The there was my mum, she overtook my computer which was fine, the problem was it was difficult enough to show my mum the actual mag entry, then when I asked her to take a look there was an agnowledgement and then she asked to go back to her game. Various comments eat away at me, she keeps on repeating how skint they are which is fine I have no issue with that, as I write this I get so angry. I even was honest with her in terms of Christmas I tried to explain how embarrassed I was about a damn jaffa cake for my birthday… What the hell is that, I tried a different angle in terms of trying to get through to her, explaining do you think my grandmother would buy my uncle the same sort of thing, her response was “that’s different he is married and away” how am I any different, apart from not being married. So that killed off any form of positive atmos. I didn’t even get a well done or nothing back from my parents, apart from my dad.
I tried to get through to her in terms of text messages, still nothing (I will bring those to our next session) So that killed off any form of positive mood, so I wasn’t so good that night. Didn’t really get much sleep, as the anxiety was poor. On Saturday I went paintballing which again was a rollercoaster, it was so exciting and the adrenaline rush was incredible. I didn’t think it through so I had to sit out one of the session as I looked to buy some more paintballs, the helmet sqeezing my head gave me an almighty headache, but I met a girl and became interested in her from BEING FUNNY” which has always been my point. I was also issued with a certification of “top gun” which has outstanding courage and leadership in battle. Gave her my number and she even text me back.
Afterwards I played my stupid spaceship game, I got to speak to a load of people and be funny again so it was a good day, today I crashed and burned, I have had no further reply from the girl, I have become overwhelmed with frustration to do with Debbie, any sort of positive advances I make are entirely ignored and she simply continues the conversation. So I have given up for today which again hurts, I went out today to a gaming festival which was kind of a disappointment as it was simply a place to buy things, none of which I can afford. I saw a few tweets about how my girls are top of the table, my job that I did is going to be ignored now, I will quickly be forgotten about as the new coach whoever he is will receive all the positive praise.
Overall point is that life has become a rollercoaster, something of which I struggle to deal with. The anxiety and negative aspects of it I genuinely want to run away from, I cant bring myself to go to hampden and deal with as I know they will fuck me over. Just cant deal with it anymore.