I write to you at the moment sitting in the same room as my parents. On one hand there is something wonderfully safe about it, comfortable and relaxed. On the other hand however there is a problem, I find myself extremely easily irritated by them, the distinct smell if urine from my father sitting next to me. My mother dramatically vomited for no apparent reason, again I had no reference to a well done as per usually, within a matter of a minute of picking my mother referred to me as an idiot indirectly. I suffered from significant anxiety for a number of days, including the potential of being uncomfortable on christmas day in my very own family home. I called her a “fuckin idiot” due to my anger towards it, and she said “but so are you”

Claiming she brought me up as an idiot, what the hell is that?

In terms of other things, bit difficult for me at the moment. Lack of funding has brought significant problems for me from a mental health perspective. Having very little to do over the christmas period made life a nightmare for me.

In terms of my own state of mind, fuck me did I make things an entire nightmare for me. I went out with my friend stuart, we got ourselves so utterly drunk it was amazing. Let off so much steam for me. Managed to resolve stuff with Kate up to a certain point, although the uncertainty is still a bit of a problem for me.

Deeper within, still got that desperate wee guy within me trying so hard to capture peoples interest, obsessive and crying out for some consistency and flow to the positive reinforcement because I have nothing. Literally nothing in terms of encouragement.